Been a while, been doing stuff so haven't had much of time to write on my blog, sorry for that :) Promise I will try to make time atleast once a week! Hopefully :D

So last week was my birthday (wee!), I am now 21 years old. Thank you everyone who congratulated me :) I got 3 cards, one from grandma, one from Paul and one from bf. All very nice cards <3 Was kind of disappointed that my godmother only sent me an e-card when usually he sends me a card and brings over a present. I didn't get anything this time, and not even a card in the mail. Meh. Maybe they decided I'm too old for presents, that 20 was the limit? Don't know.
Paul sent me a webcam over the mail, I received it on tuesday, day before my birthday. It's damn good, tho it's meant for laptops :D so the cord is kind of short, should get an extension for that sometime. But it's good quality so I'm really glad ^^
Bf bought me that Ginga: Nagareboshi Gin (Silverfang) 5 DVD box which I've wanted for a long time. He gave it to me a long time ago and we already watched it too, it was great ^^
Also got 100€ from grandma, 80€ from bf's mom and 50€ from my mom. I have like 80€ of all that money left. Bought two sexy dresses that one wears while sleeping, and the rest went for food pretty much.

   

Those are the dresses that I bought. Tried them both on and they looked good on me so I thought "what the heck, it's my birthday".

Thought I'd get my pay from the chat job (for as long as I've worked so far) last friday but I didn't. The pay day is the last day of the month, but my boss said that since I started working last month I'll get my pay in december. Bullshit. But I'm such a pussy so I didn't really complain. And thanks to that I dont give a shit how many messages I'm sending during this last week I have left. Cause I'll be getting my first pay from my new job in 10 days from the chat job pay. So who gives a shit how big that chat job paycheck is :D

Me and bf went to this ice hockey game last saturday with his coworkers (who will be my coworkers too in few weeks). Got the tickets free, it was sponsored by Nokia. Also got 3 tickets each for free drinks. First we went to a bar where bf bought us Long Drinks and many people welcomed me to the group and were really nice. At the ice hockey hall we drank another Long Drinks before the game, tasting like cranberries. It was like I was drinking juice with a bit of aftertaste :D Everyone else but me and bf were pretty much drunk already before arriving there. I had only eaten like one sandwich that morning, it was around 17 at that time when at the hockey hall, so I started getting a bit drunk. I was mighty tipsy from just drinking those two Long drinks. After the first game part, we took off to the bars in the hall. Drank another Long drink, skipped the rest of the game and went upstairs to another bar to drink some more. Drank the last of the Long drinks with our tickets (6 total, 3 for both of us), and then some nice woman gave us both one more. I was REALLY drunk by then, already when we were going upstairs. I drank all my drinks like a sponger, swoosh and it was gone, twice as fast as bf was drinking.
I remember everything I did tho, walking unsteady and giggling and being all affectionate. It was SO fun! :D Bf was a bit annoyed tho. I remember going to the toilet twice at that upstairs bar and both times I looked in the mirror, noticed that when I blinked my left eye wouldn't close all the way and kept laughing at that :D I kept sending Paul txt's with lots of typos. He said he'll save those, which is kinda cute :)
After the ice hockey game we took a buss into central (me, bf and Mika, a coworker). The whole group went into this restaurant and ordered our foods (some had ordered in advance, me and bf hadn't). I ordered some ranch grill steak which was god damn good (probably beef), bf ordered a pork steak which was also good. I was so damn hungry by then, and the food took it's time before we got it that I ate it away in like 5-10mins, probably less. Was damn good I tell you! ...but also damn expensive xD Mine was around 23€ and bf's around 18€. Both sets were really small, could've eaten more and I expected my steak to be larger so was kinda disappointed. But we had fun, and I sobered up fast once I got some food in my stomach and drank water.
It was a great evening ^^

I installed world of warcraft thursday or friday I think, and saturday me and bf both started playing. He made a character on the realm where I had my lvl 70 druid. And I tell you... I'm so glad to be playing again. It's just as great as I remembered it to be. Bf is enjoying it too which is great :) I dont have the new expansion yet, but I will buy it around janurya-february unless I get it for like christmas from my parents (which is unlikely since I'm going to ask for a new computer chair, this one is killing my back). For now I'm enjoying the TBC dailies and saving up money by doing those ^^ and helping bf level. Oh and since there are those new achievement things, I've started doing those too. Wow is probably the best game I've ever played and that is most likely cause of the social side that there is. Also I really like the whole world and stuff, it's just my kinda thing :) Really love it!

Hmm now what else is there. Oh right, for my bday I bought myself a flower. It's called Tulilatva in finnish, word to word translated it's Firetop. A really pretty flower, loved the red colour it has ^^ Also bf bought me a red rose on my birthday, made me really happy <3 (shame that this morning mölli tripped the vase over splashing the water on bf's phone >.> but it survived, didn't get too much water on to it!). I'll put pictures of both in here now :) Mölli aint really sure of the flowers whether he likes them or not :P

 

Oh all the snow has pretty much melted already :( It rained few days ago, then it snowed again and then rained, so there aint much left! It's such a shame! Well atleast there was snow on my birthday again, been years since that last happened :)

Getting tax returns next week and bf promised to give me 100€ from his so I can finally get my eyes checked (should've done so like 2-3 months ago. Saw this black dot one day when walking home, wouldn't go away and it kept following my eyes as i moved them. So it's good to get my eyes finally checked, been waiting for it for months cause should do this check up after the lasering earlier. Wonder how soon I'll get to the next lasering this time.
Oh and I'm not so scared/worried anymore about going blind, Paul made a bit more brave when it comes to that <3

Paul linked me to this vid in youtube of how someone plays Plain White T's song Hey There Delilah on the piano and said it makes him think of me. It's a really nice song, and it makes me think of him too now obviously :) I got it and I've been listening to it on repeat for a while atleast everyday since he told me that. Can't wait to hear Paul playing again on the piano. It was so lovely.
He suggested that instead of him coming over here I should go over there (alone!), but that is kind of impossible cause I bet that if I'd even suggest it bf would tell me that if I go he'll leave me before I do. I just know he wouldn't like it, and it's no wonder really. Still a really nice thought, got me dreaming of what it would be like. Bet it would be awesome. I really want to go, but I cant so.. I'll just hope Paul will come here next spring/summer or whenever he can afford it. Miss you lieverd <3

There's nothing else left to tell, atleast for now. I'll try to write again soon! Leave a comment if you're reading this, I love getting comments (also love getting cards on bday and such xD)

Weeh, it was snowing yesterday and the first snow for this winter is on the ground! It's gonna melt away soon but nonetheless, it's there for now :) Made me all happy and cheerfull when I noticed it yesterday evening. I'll put a pick here.



My sister moved out from our childhood home and moved together with her boyfriend few weeks ago. She asked me to go walk their dog in the mornings since they're away for such a long time and since last weeks wednesday I have (tho I skipped thursday cause of interview and friday cause I was too tired). This week I've been going over every morning, walking the dog till it does her thing and then taking her back inside. The appartment is really nice, tho I kinda prefer ours anyway :D
Right outside the front door to the building (yes it's one of those cement block appartments) there's an area with trees and such which we go thru to get downhill to the jogging road. We walk that for a while and then go back. Anyway, in that forest part, there are squirrels. Teppana (the dog) is crazy bout squirrels. Just yesterday she nearly pulled me over when she saw one as we were walking past the forest. Nearly couldn't get her to move as we tried to continue on our way to get her needs met so I could return her inside. Then when we came back there was another one of those devils, and she dashed towards it making me half run behind her. I managed to stop her to and the squirrel returned to the safety of the tree. I'm sure they were teasing us tho. Everytime she went closer they'd climb a bit higher, and then when she stopped they'd stop too. Damn devils!

When I was coming home yesterday from my sisters the buss nearly couldn't get up one hill that wasn't even all that steep, but the road was icy so the tyres couldn't get a hold on it and kept rolling on the ice. Eventually we got away from the buss stop we were at that time tho, I felt like clapping to the driver for managing that but doubt anyone would've joined me so I stayed quiet. Annoyed the crap out of me tho when people at the back of the buss behind me were whispering to eachothers clearly bout the buss not getting off from the stop, and sighing annoyedly. Not the drivers fault it was damn difficult!
In the same buss there was this old man who had an odd habbit. Whenever he was talking in phone after starting the call he would lift his free hand to cover his mouth. I dont know if it was to keep the phone call "private" (as if that would be possible) or if it was cause someone has told him his breath smells or cause he's insecure of his teeth or stuff. Was kinda odd tho.

Speaking of busses, today I was going to town as I was heading to sisters place again something happened in the buss that in a way made me smile and wonder what's wrong with people. You know how busses have those spaces infront of the doors where people are supposed to get out from for baby carriages? I was standing in one of those spaces, and infront of me was sitting this woman. She was very close to the middle doors obviously. When she pressed the button she got up and walked to the driver, asking if she could get out from the front door (somehow she was talking very oddly too). The driver asked her why and she said something bout going somewhere and think she mentioned her leg. The driver said she can get out just fine from the back doors (which werent even that far away from the driver). So the woman walks to the door i'm standing infront of, which was right next to her seat, with this not-so-satisfied look on her face and gets out. And starts walking TOWARDS THE END OF THE BUSS! -.-
I still dont get it why the fuck did she walk to the driver and wanted to get out from the front door when she was a) sitting right next to a door b) going to walk towards the end of the buss anyway after getting out, getting out from front door would've only made her walking from further away.
People are odd.

We had some damn delicious food yesterday. Had these thin chicken filee's that were marinated as "soft pepper". We fried those, added in some cream to the marinade and made it into a sauce. Added some black & white pepper and aroma salt. Then ate it off with rice (which wasn't fully done) and it was damn good. The sauce was the best and the chicken was really good quality too. Yum! <3
I've been craving for blue cheese today, think I'll get some on my way home tomorrow if I have enough money on my account. Then probably need to go shopping when I have break from work.
I'm making rice porridge now, the one you eat at christmas. Was craving for it and just couldn't wait any longer! Hope I wont burn it :D

Saturday I'm gonna go see Jenni again, we'll probably watch a movie and talk. We'll see how that goes, hope I'll get some sense into my head again (and hopefully I'll win the lottery saturday -.-)

Bf bought this nice cat carrier so now we have two. Heppu is gonna use the new one and Mölli can use the one Heppu has been using. I kinda want to buy another one of those carriers bf bought, it was only around 40euros and much nicer looking than Heppu's old one, also much bigger. But we'll see :)

Oh right, managed to take a picture of the puzzle Paul gave me. Here it is! It's a gorgeous one. Paul bought me a present during his trip after he left finland, I think it's meant as christmas present. He couldn't keep the surprise so he told me and I know what it is :P I'm really happy with what I'm getting from him <3 I still need to find him something for christmas. I got few ideas ;)
Gonna post a picture of my keyring next to the puzzle (now you can see my fat hand!)

 

I'll try to take a picture of the cat carrier later on, for now it's buried inside the closet and I cant bother. I'm making that porridge, trying to work at the same time, and this blog post has been under writing for soon 3 hours. The picture can wait :D

EDIT: Adding carrier pics now!
First pic is the carrier from upwards point of view. Second is the carrier with door open showing insides.
Third pic is me showing how you open the door. Have to lift that round black thing up so the thing at the bottom releases. Fourth pic is showing what that means.
Fifth pic shows that we can take this carrier into airplane. Weeh we can take one cat with us to vacation and lose him there! Not really tempting :P

     

 

Since my last post and even before that it feels like I've been on this rollercoaster with my emotions. Still haven't decided what I'll do but.. Might be that I know what I should do and I'm just pushing the decision making further because of fear of what will happen. Not sure.

Sunday I went to see my best girl friend, Jenni. Told her everything that has happened and after that I felt mighty relieved. Was good to tell someone face to face what has happened (nothing bad towards Paul, just that he's involved in all this so talking with him keeps making me confused ;>). Felt like I got my head cleared with that talk. When I was leaving I was fairly sure what I'll do. Figured it would be best for us to break up. Already started imagining what kinda appartment I'd get and how I'd decorate it and stuff. Basically started planning my life without bf. Decided I wont settle for less than what I want and need.

Next day I told Paul and he was happy for me, we were both happy and kinda got carried away thinking that he'll move to finland and... you can guess the rest. Then monday night me and bf had this serious talk, I told him that I've been thinking of breaking up. I cried alot. Told him why I feel like it might be good. That I've been living thinking I'm getting enough when in reality I wasn't, and said that I dont know if I'll be happy with this situation in some years. So we talked and talked, I told him what he should do differently and he told me what I should do differently too. He apologized for treating me bad. When I said that I still love him very much he asked me how can I when he's been treating me so bad.
We talked for a very long time and hugged alot. We agreed we'll try to give eachothers time and try things out. Since the stress bout finances is going away now when I'm starting to work at the same place where he is working, so he wont be taking that stress out on me (also there's this study suggesting that hugging and stuff like that reduces stress. He hasn't been doing that either so no wonder xD).
After the talk before we started to sleep bf was being very cuddly. Hugged me alot and looked at me while stroking my cheek and smiling, saying I'm beautiful. That he just forgot it since he hasn't been looking at me really for a long time. Said that he loves me more than anything in the world, that I'm the most important thing in the world. If he'd lose me he wouldn't know what to do, he would have nothing left. I asked him what if we break up and we'd be working at the same place, he said he'd quit his job.
He was playing with my engagement ring and said that he wants another ring next to that, a prettier one. Also as we talked bout marriage realised marriage is important to him tho always thought it's just a piece of paper in his opinion. It is but it also means alot to him apparently, never knew that.

The next morning before he left to work he was just lying on the couch looking depressed. So I asked what's wrong and he said that he's feeling bad cause he feels like I'm going to leave and that it's his fault, that he aint good enough. So I told him he's a great man, a wonderful man, but he just asked me how can he be and I'd still be leaving. Said that he aint good enough for me. What was I supposed to say? He is a good man, maybe we just aint meant to be together.
He left to work and I cried for hours being confused again. Then talked with Ronnie and got same sense into my head as I did when talking with Jenni. Realised that maybe breaking up is the best thing to do. Tho bf is great, I need a man with more affection and other stuff that he aint giving me. I deserve more. I need more. I want more. Again I was really sure of what I'll do. Just was wondering when to do it, how soon, how to say it, where will I move from our appartment.
Most of all again worrying of how bf will survive. Tho just today when we talked again he said that it aint my problem after we break up, that it's his.

So yesterday was quite the rollercoaster in my heart. I'll leave him, we'll try, I'll leave him, we'll try. Then I kind of made up my mind again, that I'll leave him. Then he came home and I could tell that he's upset. So I asked is he mad at me, that I hadn't even had time to do anything. And he said "oh you've had time to do plenty of things". So I figured he must've heard from somewhere that I have a crush on Paul and have been looking at appartments and stuff, thinking "Oh shit" but at the same time kinda curious of what he'll say and will he leave me (cause it would make things easier, I'm horrible). He didn't want to talk about it right away which he told me when I asked (improvement!), and later on told me that it's cause of this whole thing, that things are really messed up. When we had gone to bed we had another serious talk. Seems like we can talk best in bed before sleeping.
He said that it just feels like I'm planning to leave all the time. I told him I aint that I aint sure yet what I want, I haven't decided. He replied saying "I think you have made your decision". Told him I havent. Surprisingly we managed to talk about life after breakup fairly normally. If it can be called normal talking bout that. I asked him what he would do. He said he couldn't bear to see me at all after break up, ever again, and wouldn't even want to try to be friends cause he couldn't manage it. He would quit his job cause he couldn't stand seeing me even if it was just a glimpse. Might try to look for a new job first or just quit right away. Said he could like sell everything he has and go on a trip (like the madventures guys I assume), and maybe he would come back home alive. Since he wouldn't have anything here if I left so why stay? Asked him what would happen if he couldn't pay for the car loan and he said the loan company would take it away and he'd lose his loan records, which would most likely cause the bank to want the rest of the loan of the bike back at once.
I asked him if he's trying to make me feel guilty with all that talk of him quitting his job and his life being in ruins. He said he aint that it's just a harsh fact. Then asked what if I would be paying the car loan after break up. He asked me why on earth would I do that, that after breaking up it should have no meaning to me what happens to him. Told him the feelings dont die that fast, that I still love him afterall. "If you love why do you have to breakup?" Said that sometimes things like that just happen, that it's better to be apart tho still love one another. He said he doesn't understand that and that after break up his future should have no meaning to me. We kept "arguing" for a while about him being good/bad man and he kept saying it has to be his fault if I leave him, that he aint good enough. And other stuff similar.

So we hugged and I told him I need time to make a decision. He said he'll give me time but not forever. Smart as he is he counted 1+1 and realised that all started cause of Paul coming here, so he asked me that havent I already found someone else when I was saying something bout that it might be better to be with someone else. I told him I aint, and that I really just dont know what I'll do. That I'm completely messed up when I want to leave and stay at the same time.
After all that talking he told me he wants to try to fix things with me, try to see if we can stay together. I said lets try. He was hugging me tightly as I tried to change the subject to more pleasant things. And he gave me lots of good night kisses all over, saying those are all the kisses he has forgot to give me before.

I don't know if it would be wise to try to move out for some time, on my own, to see how things would go, would I even really miss bf. Now that when I'm near him all the time and see that he is feeling bad  I cant clear my own head when my "need to please" gear kicks in. When that happens I just want to make bf feel good.
I have no clue how I feel. Am I happy or not. Am I happy enough? If I feel good but could possibly feel better should I stay in this relationship? We get along great and I know what our future together would most likely hold. But would we be happy together, or would we end up like my parents?
And then there is Paul. I'm so interested bout Paul. We both want eachothers so much it's absurd, both sexually and otherwise. If I was single this would be the kind of thing that I'd be smiling oddly all the time, staring into space and feeling like I can fly. Having butterflies in my stomach when talking or seeing him. But since I aint single I've somehow managed to keep those feelings locked away. Paul is ready to move to finland for me! He's already considering it 100% certainly and thinking how to make it happen. It's a huge thing to do for someone you only just met and fell in love with. It's clearly showing how much he cares. And when he came back monday just to see me for few hours, that's another thing.

Also bf said it aint fair that I'm asking him to change and not changing myself. He told me I should spend less time on the pc, and I intend to try to do that. I know it aint really fair of me to ask him to change, and that we both have to put effort into making this relationship work, if that is even possible. The thing is I dont know if I want it to work anymore. It's a really bad sign when I keep thinking things would be easier if I wasn't with bf right now, that I could just enjoy my life and play wow which he is denying from me. I could cherish this feeling I have for Paul. Sometimes I'm even hoping that something would happen that he'd leave me so I wouldn't have to do it! Guess it's pretty obvious what I should do about this relationship. I'm just still not really sure.

I keep thinking of Paul. Alot. I never really stop thinking of him. When we're watching tv together with bf I keep remembering what it was like to be under Paul's arm as we watched the movie that first evening. I keep getting these guilt pokes when he says something like "you'd rather be in someone elses arms". Maybe I'm just too big sissy to end this thing right now. I just want to see.. if he'd really even try to change for me.

Life aint as simple as I thought.

I got a new job. I quit the chat job I have now, but I still have to work for three weeks. Then I'll have one week off before starting at the new job.
I had an interview thursday and like 10-20 minutes after I had left they called and said I'm hired. Oh happy day! The job is at the same company where bf works, I'll just be doing different things than him. He's fixing cellphones and I'm gonna be signing them into the system when they arrive, packing and sending them to places and also gonna be in the end testing to see that they look good and work. My pay, that's the best part. I'm going to get 1570€/month minus taxes :3 Plus when I work over time and the extra thing for working shifts. Means I most likely wont be on msn much at some days but I'll still be around sometimes, you wont get rid of me ;)
I'm really excited about this tho I'm also a bit worried. But I aint gonna go more into that now.

Also, thursday bf bought me this Ginga Nagareboshi Gin uncut dvd box. Has 5 dvd's, 21 episodes. I've wanted it ever since it was released, and now I got it! I wasn't expecting it so when he gave it to me I burst out into tears. Was a sweet thing of him to do. Only bummer bout the box is that only available subtitles are Finnish and Swedish. There should've been english one as well! Cant always win :3 Still glad I got it <3

Then on the "not so happy" things.

I have been talking with bf alot for the past few days about our relationship. What he has to do to make it work in the future too. If things dont change we might break up eventually. I think he realised what I was saying and is really trying to change which is good. Yesterday he told me he's scared for the first time in three years, scared that I'd leave him. I told him I wont. But I still need to clear out my mind and feelings, what I really want and am I happy enough in this relationship as it is or even with the changes that might happen.

We have had this system at home. Bf is the one working and I've been to school and after that unemployed, not getting any income, so as bf was the one taking care of the rent and bills all the household chores were kinda left for me to do. I didn't really mind but now it's starting to bother me because now I have a job too. And it's not so nice when he complains bout things that he could do something about too.
Also he hasn't been giving me as much affection and love as I'd want and need. No spontaneous hugs or kisses. All the affection I get is usually an answer to me hugging/kissing him, or cuddling when we are starting to sleep. Sometimes when I want to hug or kiss, and I dont do it all the time tho he makes it seem that way, he pulls his head away and might even look annoyed, saying not to bother him. This usually happens if he's playing something on xbox and stuff like that.
He never says "I love you". Never. He only replies to it when I say it. "I love you" "love you too". That's the way it goes. Also he says that I say it too much when I usually say it twice a day.
Our sex life.. lets just say I never get orgasms. It usually ends after bf gets his orgasm, and that's it. Rarely he even tries to please me, tho I think he does want to make me feel good. I think I can count the times when I've orgasmed during sex with the fingers from both my hands.

Bf has a problem with talking. He rarely tells me things. Like now he's worried of losing his job and he didn't really tell me why, just mentioned it one time quickly. Obviously cause of that he's under lot of stress and also cause I havent been getting any money in a while. But he's letting that stress out on me. Snapping at me over little things and complaining alot, making me feel miserable.
When he is feeling bad he doesn't tell me. I just notice it and then I ask if he is feeling bad. If he doesn't answer I know I'm right. Bf has this thing, when he's feeling bad or is upset at me over something, he doesn't talk. At all. He gives me what I call "silent treatment". Meaning he doesn't talk to me, doesn't answer when I ask him something, doesn't even show that he is listening, ignores that I'm there. Makes me feel like I'm not even there. Also when I try to touch him he moves away. Not really nice way to go about things. And it's a huge problem when he cant tell me what's wrong. After he stops the silent treatment I'm too afraid to ask again fearing he'll start it again, and it's really hard on me when he is like that.

I have never ever felt beautiful in my whole life. Never. Nor sexy. Some of my friends and even my sister keep telling me that I am beautiful. But bf, he has never said anything like that to me. Dont remember if he has ever even called me cute. Sometimes I ask him: "Am I cute/beautiful?" and he replies "maybe". Not really encouraging :P
Also he keeps telling me that I should lose weight. When I tell him it's not really nice to say that he replies "but it's true!" like that's making it any more right to say. He keeps poking my butt saying it's big, saying my tighs are wobbling and that my tummy is big. Not like I'm a whale or anything, I'm just around 20kg over my ideal weight. Not like I have ever really minded. I still think I look somewhat cute, and that if I was really skinny I would look stupid.

So when Paul was here. He treated me so amazing. He made me feel better than I have ever felt. Hugging him felt so natural. We were never uncomfortable around eachothers. We could even talk about hard things. He made me feel beautiful and sexy without even saying anything. All he had to do was look at me. And I felt more beautiful than ever. When he looked at me, his eyes were so soft. You probably think I'm crazy but they really were. I could see it when he looked at me that he loves me very much. It was clearly there in his eyes. If you would've seen you'd know I'm right.
I think that was the moment when I really started feeling something towards him. Something had been there even before, some feelings, but when he was visiting here and we finally met face to face those feelings became more real.

I think I have a crush on Paul.

He knows this. I've told him, cause even if I like him alot in a not-so-friendly way, he's still my best friend. And he's been encouraging me to fix things with bf. Tho also saying that if things dont change and I'll leave him he'll be there for me, first as a friend and then later on hopefully as something more.

I'm so confused. I have never ever been this confused. It was like an eye opener when Paul was here, made me realise that bf has been treating me quite badly for some time. He even admitted when we talked and apologized for treating me bad. Also he's really been trying to improve.
I really love bf. And I really thought we'd be together forever, get married, buy a house and have children. Grow old together. I still do kinda believe we'll be like that. But yet. One part of me wants to experience something different.

I keep imagining what it would be like to be with Paul. To be his girlfriend. How much affection he'd give me. How good I would feel around him. How he would show me how he feels, we could talk about things and our feelings. We'd spoil eachothers. And would the sex be better than with bf? Most likely.

When I think that I'd leave bf I think too much of others and not myself. I wonder what effect it would have on bf. His father left when he was little and if I left would he lose his faith in people thinking everyone will leave sooner or later? Would he survive, would he find a woman who really loves him and makes him happy? Would he hurt himself? What would my parents and friends say? What would bf's family say? Would they all think I'm overreacting?

So I'm confused as I've never been before. Am I happy enough with bf if he changes how he treats me? Should I stay with him? Would I even be brave enough to leave him? If I leave bf and after some time end up together with Paul would it work? Would I be happier with him? What if it wouldn't work, would I be left alone? What if bf is the man of my life and I'd leave him, will I be miserable? What if I choose bf will Paul get over it? Can we still be friends? Am I only having a crush on Paul cause I think I could get from him what I'd really want bf to give me in this relationship? Is it because things aren't going really well with us that I find Paul really attractive in all ways?

So many things going on around my head. But I'm not gonna make a decision yet. For now I will concentrate on improving my relationship with bf. And if it doesn't improve.. if it seems like I wont be as happy as I deserve to be with him, I'll most likely break up with him. And then sort out my head and feelings and get over the break up. And then.. then if all this happens, I'd want to try to be in a relationship with Paul. See how that would work out.

But ARGH! I'm so messed up inside >.< Wish me luck that I can make the right decisions.

The last day.. All day I kept thinking "today he leaves, today he leaves" and was in a gloomy mood.

I went over early in the morning to help Paul pack his stuff and check out of the hotel, tho in reality we didn't need to let anyone know that he left. Just had to be out of the room by 12. So we packed and after 11 or so we headed to our appartment. When we got here we finished the last cake, tried to make a frosting on it but that kinda failed. We also washed dishes and cooked meat & macaroni in oven. After eating we tasted the cake and damn it was good. The other cake was kinda lame tho, not much taste. But the one with strawberry & white chocolate mousses was really good. I'm glad it came out well :)

We didn't really feel like doing the puzzle and there wasn't much to do. Paul tried to play a bit of Forza 2 on xbox after Anssi stopped. Around 16 we started to head into town. We went to Havana Bar & Grill cause Paul wanted a mojito. So we got there, stood infront of the bar and the bartender came, asking me what do I want. I told him in finnish "I dont know, cause it's for my friend here and he's a foreigner" so the bartender swiftly switched into english and asked Paul what he wants. Paul's reply got me surprised. "I'll have a mojito and a sex on the beach for her". I wasn't expecting anything so I was a bit surprised to say the least. It was really sweet of Paul tho, and the drink was good just as he remembered. I dont really like alcohol drinks but that one was great ^^ It was fun sitting there sipping our drinks. I even tasted the mojito but didn't like it, too bitter as Paul said.

Then we headed to the trainstation and just sat there for over an hour holding hands and talking. Paul kept kissing my cheek and hair alot, it was really sweet. We took two pictures together tho neither of them really worked out well. Paul will send them to me when he can, hopefully soon. Should've taken more pics but we were so taken in by being able to really hug and talk face to face that we forgot. Shame really, but that just means that Paul will have to come over again really soon which aint bad at all ;)

We sat in the platform waiting for the train and talked alot. Both looking really sad. Paul nearly cried but I was holding back, just couldn't let it out. After Paul boarded the train and I started to walk away the tears nearly came out but I ended up holding it inside again. Same continued when I got home until Paul got on msn. When he was there and the sad song playing on msn, made me cry. I let some of it out finally. We were both kinda sad. Paul was at the hotel in Helsinki, the capital, and his train would leave at 15 monday. I jokingly told him to come back and he started seriously looking for train schedules saying he'll come stop by since it's free for him. Eventually we both went to bed and had agreed that he'll come over the next day.

So, Paul txt'd me around half 8 I think saying he'll be here around 8 since he was able to catch the train that left at 6.30, he got up reeeeaally early, silly boy. So I got up and started waiting, and not too long after he was behind the door. It was great seeing him again, tho it was only for some hours. We talked and talked and talked (and washed dishes xD). Even cried a bit both. Was so great to hug him again. But of course it wouldn't last. He left around hour and half ago, and now I'm here waiting.. Waiting for him to get to russia so he'll be on msn. Waiting for him to get home so I know when he'll be on msn and when we can talk on vent everyday. Waiting for him to tell me when he'll be coming to Finland again. Always waiting waiting waiting. And hoping. Hoping that he'll come over soon, that we'll have lots of time to talk, that we'll always be this close.

These past 4 (well 5) days have been the best ever. I've felt so comfortable around Paul that it's unbelievable. He makes me feel good about myself. I really feel beautiful tho I usually dont, since he tells me I am and keeps convincing me that it's true. He flatters me so much all the time, but that's something I really need, in a way, since I really think quite badly of myself. So I'm really glad.
I'm really glad I ever got to know Paul, glad that we became best friends, glad that I finally met him face to face. I'm glad I have such a great best friend, and hopefully will have forever.

I love you Paul <3

Third day! Tomorrow is the last day, I'm so sad :(

After my work this morning Paul came over around 11.30 or so. For some reason that I still dont know, bf was being upset, just lying in the bed looking bit sad maybe, and not talking or answering when I asked anything. Paul was just waiting playing with the cats as I just lied next to bf and tried to talk him into telling what's wrong. I bet Paul heard from my voice that something is wrong. As I was washing some dishes bf got up and went into the shower. When he was done Paul went outside for a smoke so we could talk it out, he's really sweet like that. Bf didn't want to talk about it so I just told him that he had some sandwiches in the fridge that I made, I'm gonna leave now and get back later. He hugged me so I knew it's not too bad. Then I left and me and Paul departed towards Särkänniemi, the amusement park.

We took few busses and got nearby, could've stayed on the buss for one stop longer but didn't know so we played safe :P wasn't long way to walk so it wasn't bad. We bought the tickets and then just waited for the dolphinarium show to start. We sat there and as the show started and the dolphins jumped I got teary again, dont know why but it always happens. I could see that Paul liked it, he was laughing just like me. The show was really good as always. Dolphins are amazing. It was just so short but it didn't really matter :)
After that we headed for the tower. Paul has fear of elevators and heights so.. I knew it might be tough for him. When we got in the elevator I wrapped my arms around him right away even tho the elevator was full and people were staring, and just hugged him tight stroking his back. When we got up I could feel him shaking and once we got out from the elevator he was still shaking. We tried to look at the views from the tower but it was so foggy we couldn't see far, which was a real shame. Should've chosen a better day for that but cant always win. Maybe next time we'll have better luck.

After the amusement park we headed to Paul's hotel in the rain and once we arrived there just talked for hour or two and then headed to our appartment. Once here we started finishing the cakes we baked yesterday. Neither has frosting yet and one is missing the second filling but we'll do that tomorrow. Also cooked spaghetti & meat/tuna sauce (we made two since the meat sauce wouldn't have been enough for three people, and I like tuna sauce better anyway).  Did some more of the puzzle and then that was it for today :3 Paul headed back to the hotel and we agreed that we'll meet up there tomorrow so I can help him with the checkout. Aleksi and Jenni meant to come over today but they both cancelled. Aleksi will most likely come tomorrow instead.

But these past three days have been AMAZING! I don't really even have words to describe it all, how great it has been. It's just so awesome, to be finally able to meet and then realise that you get along great as well as being really comfortable around eachothers. It's like win-win situation! Right now we both know that we trust eachothers as much as two people can trust and even more. We are Best Friends Forever as Paul has said few times.  It's so great to have a friend like Paul. I love him so much. And he's really really really really sweet and caring person. Plus he thinks I'm beautiful so :P Tho that doesn't really matter but it is flattering. Especially when I think I'm barely cute. So it's nice to hear him say it once in a while, makes me feel a bit better about myself.

Now I'm gonna head to bed so I'll be up early tomorrow. I'll update after Paul has left, which will be a teary post, I'm sure. Most likely we'll both cry a bit at the trainstation, but we'll see. Hopefully we'll see again soon. Paul was saying today that he thought he might come over next summer if he can afford it. Would be great!

Best Friends Forever <3

Ps. Paul wrote really sweetly of me in his blog, it got me teary. Love you so much lieverd <3

Aaah, it's the halfway! Two days gone, two days left. or well one and half most likely. Sad :(

Paul came around after 10 this morning, and we cooked together. It was really nice ^^ Bf was being anti-social and didn't even turn to say hey as he was playing Fallout 3. Ah well, I think Paul didn't mind, hopefully. After we made dinner it was time to head to central (we did manage to sort out the edge pieces of the puzzle tho). We met Aleksi & Jenni in town, chatted for a while the four of us. Seemed like everyone got along great which was really nice :)

Me and Jenni went for coffee as Aleksi and Paul started to walk around the town, dont know really what they did. We had a nice talk and let out lots of things that were bothering us both, was really relieving. We went around few stores (I bought two bra's since they were on sale, yay!) we were walking as I spotted Paul (not too hard to spot with his head over crowd) and Aleksi. We met up with them and chatted again. We stopped by at this music store nearby, where bf bought his guitar. Paul played the piano and it was so beautiful. I nearly got emotional. Wish I could just sit next to him in a room while he plays. So beautiful. Also I'm bit envious cause I always wanted to play that good. Never got around to learning tho. I could just stand there and listen as Paul played so beautifully.
When we left from the music store we headed back to the busstops. Jenni left and we waited with Aleksi for his friends to come so he wouldn't have to be alone. When they were supposed to arrive me and Paul took the buss back to our place.

After we got back we ate, then continued the puzzle. Something made me feel a bit bad and Paul comforted me which was really nice. Then we just sat on the couch hugging and talking bout things, some of them were quite difficult to talk about but I'm really glad we did. We also both cried, which is like the ultimate proof of trust from Pauls side, to cry infront of someone. So I'm glad tho obviously we werent feeling good when we were crying, but this means that we trust eachothers 100%. So I'm glad :) And I'm glad we talked out the things that were bothering us. Now we can be even more open with eachothers.
We then baked two cakes that came out well, continued the puzzle while sipping on champagne. Paul gave me a massage too ^^ Really nice. When bf got home he actually greeted Paul which I'm glad about. He's been really patient with me hanging with another guy alot, when he aint home. Tho he has been making rude jokes about it, half serious and half joking I think. Hopefully he'll change his mind after Paul leaves if not before, then next time Paul comes over (oh yes, there will be many nex times!) he wont be so jealous and stuff.

Now I have to head to bed since tomorrow morning I got work (again!). We're going to the särkänniemi amusement park (which is closed, haha! well atleast the machines are) and we're gonna go to näsinneula which is the high tower, and dolphinarium to see the dolphin show. After that we'll come back here and play poker/monopoly. And eat cake after I've finished them :)

Oh right. There was this girl who said that doesn't my bf mind when I'm holding hands with Paul when we're walking. Obviously bf hasn't been around or I would've been holding his hand and yeah dont know, I think he might mind it. But anyhow, made me feel a bit bad as if i'm doing something wrong. And same thing happened again when someone else said that they'd feel guilty if they had done all that i have with a friend who happens to be a guy (held hands, hugged and been under his arm while watching a movie). Nothing wrong in all that in my opinion. It's just a way of showing affection. Why should I feel bad over that? I happen to love Paul very much so obviously I want to hug him and hold his hand when we're walking somewhere together without bf. Obviously I'd rather cuddle up during a movie than sit on the other sofa being distant. What do you think? Is it right for a person who is in a relationship to hold hands / cuddle up during a movie with a friend of opposite sex?

Paul arrived in Finland today and I already met him, he's already at the hotel and has gone to sleep, I will head to bed soon too just gonna write this post.

I was starting to get a bit nervous already yesterday evening, not much tho. This morning I woke up around 7 when cats wanted food. "Alright, alright! I'll get up!". Fed the cats and went back to bed. Paul texted me half hour later, telling when his train is here, just to make sure I'll be there :P I already knew it of course and had made all the preparations so I'd be there in time. Got up early cause I had to work for 2 hours. After work I took my bag and left.

Took the buss to the train station and looked up which dock it is, then walked up there and waited. By that time my heart was starting to beat fast, as I watched the minutes tick away closer to the arrival of the train. When they announced that it's arriving I kept peeking at the distance trying to see it, and thought I spotted it but it was some other train that didn't move at all :D Suddenly the train just rushed to the dock and I tried my best to spot Paul through the windows so I could walk near to wait while he gets out. In the end I failed cause there was like dozen really tall people in all of the cars total. But, I managed to choose a good spot and Paul came out from the car right infront of me :P I spotted him before he did so I knew to expect him.

When he stepped out I have to admit I was stunned. He's so TALL. I didn't have any idea how tall he'd really be, so it exceeded all my expectations. I knew how tall he is by meters, but didn't have anything to compare it to :P So I was like O.O and Paul noticed that since I was left speechless for a while :) He asked me if he's taller than i expected and I just mumbled something that sounded like yes :D We hugged for a loooong while and it felt nice. When I looked up at him Paul was just looking at me with these incredibly soft eyes full of love and a smile on his face. It was odd cause we just met, and at the same time it made me really happy.
We then took Paul's bags and proceeded to walk to the nearby store cause I had to use the toilet xD then we walked back to the station and left his bags there so he woudn't die while we're walking in town. After we had got Paul his busscard we walked all around and visited few large stores that sell lots of stuff. We looked at all kinda stuff and all the while we talked. It was kinda easy in the end to speak english, I stopped being nervous after we had spoken a while. And even tho i stumbled on words and mumbled, Paul understood me, and if he didn't he asked what I had said :P I did want to slap myself tho when I few times spoke like I write "dunno" "prolly" etc. But it's alright ;)

We left early and were outside the "beer room" bit before 15, which is when it opens so had to wait for 14 minutes. Then we got Paul's room code (no key! just numbers) and went to the room. The building looked kinda not-so-nice but the hotel room was actually really nice, atleast in my opinion. The only downside is that the toilet and showerooms are in the hallway, but that wont make the wolrd stop turning so I'm hoping Paul will survive this minor negative thing. After we had left all the unnecessary stuff in the hotel room we proceeded back to the buss top and continued onwards to our apparmtent. Heppu was as friendly as ever :P Mölli was a bit scared at first but in the end he let Paul pet him and they even played together. I washed Pauls laundry and we ate bit of something. We also made christmas pastries, called joulutorttu in finnish. Here is a pic of what they look like, our didn't come out as well :P But they were nice and Paul liked them as I told him he would :D we also drank some glögi/glögg, and he liked that too, as far as I could deduct from what he said about it.
Before all this we exchanged birthday presents. Paul had bought me the most beautiful tiger puzzle I have ever seen. It has soo many tigers in it! (i'm gonna post a pic once I manage to take one). I'm so going to hang it on the wall once I've done it, we're going to start it together tomorrow :) I had bought Paul some white chocolate, a bday card (I didn't get one >: ), this mirror thing that has a sweet text on it (I think of you etc niceness), interrail bath duck which really fits this trip, had knitted him gloves and wrist warmers aaaand.. think there was something else. Atleast a christmas card. Oh and a dark red candle that I bought thinking he can burn it once he gets home and think of the trip :)

After that we decided to watch a movie so we threw in Gladiator and started watching. I spent the whole movie cuddled up under Paul's arm :D it was really nice ^^ I like huggling and being close. After the movie I packed some christmas pastries and few apples & mini-oranges for Paul to take with him to the hotel and then he left. I still had to work 2 hours this evening but tomorrow I luckily only have to work in the morning. When Paul got to the hotel we talked on msn a bit, and it was so amazing to think while talking "He's actually CLOSE!". Soooo great!

We both felt so relaxed and comfortable around eachothers, it's amazing. We kept holding hands and hugging alot and I noticed Paul was looking at me alot with those soft love filled eyes that I mentioned earlier. It was sweet :P So overall today was a great day and I'm sure we'll have just as great day tomorrow, if not even better :) Hopefully the rest of the days will go smoothly!

I love you hun and I'm SO happy that we finally met. This is so amazing and these few days will be so epical, I will never forget them. Now if you'd only move into Finland :P <3

(PS. Dear god it's so late and I'm so tired, my back aches >.< Paul promised to give me a massage tomorrow <3)

You know that song by Rihanna, Umbrella? I didn't quite get it, never listened to it properly cause the "under my umbrella, ella ella eh eh eh" part didn't quite get to me. Just sounded odd to me. So never paid attention to the lyrics either. But just now recently I, out of curioisity as I stumbled across a music video of the song, listened to the lyrics and then looked them up. They're actually quite good, of deep friendship. That got to me ;) Since I'm such good friends with Paul, the lyrics made me think of him and me, as friends. I'll quote some parts here, just cause i'm bored (and it'll make the post longer).

"When the sun shines, we’ll shine together
Told you I'll be here forever
Said I'll always be your friend
Took an oath I'ma stick it out till the end"

"These fancy things, will never come in between
You're part of my entity, here for Infinity
When the war has took it's part
When the world has dealt it's cards
If the hand is hard, together we'll mend your heart"

"You can run into my arms
It's okay don't be alarmed
Come into me
There's no distance in between our love
So go on and let the rain pour
I'll be all you need and more"

These lyrics are for you Paul ;> Love you hun <3

Speaking of Paul, it's now just one and half days till he is here. Pretty much exactly 1 day and 12 hours right now. I put up a counter, but it's counting time to bout one hour before Paul is actually here. Anyway, here's the link to that. Customized counter.
I'm starting to get nervous slowly. Tomorrow i'll probably be very much nervous and by thursday morning I'll be twisting in my pants of nervousness. If that is possible. Gonna go buy tons of food for the rest of week tomorrow, daddy pays <3 since I'm broke :P Sad but true. Anyhow buying all that food will make it even more realistic that Paul will be here soon. I can't wait wait wait wait! And waiting is all I can do, so I'm fucked :3
Here's a link to Paul's travel blog, if you wanna give it a read. Paul's travel blog.

I've been trying to plan lots of stuff that we'd do, but so far I haven't had much good ideas :P Thursday we'll just spend time together and get to know eachothers, go pick up Paul's hotel key (if he gets one, most likely just a number code), do some food shopping (gonna leave some for us to do together so we'll get stuff that he likes, since I dont know what he does like :P ) and then come over to our place and spend time. He'll be able to see Heppu and Mölli, I'm anxiously waiting for that too ^^ Since I love our cats so much and I'm so proud of them, I want Paul to meet them too :P
Friday Paul will meet Aleksi, and I'll probably leave them to have some time alone together. Then the rest of the day belongs to me! GRAU! Saturday we'll play poker and/or monopoly together: me, bf, Paul, my sis and her bf. Hope it'll be great ^^ Also I'm gonna bake two cakes most likely, so we'll be eating those and holding out a small celebration for Paul's bday since he's thinking of leaving so early sunday (which I dont like at all :< Iivul Paul).
Hopefully we'll have the time of our lives for these short four days. I know I wont ever forget them, so hope they will go alright, would be horrible to remember bad memories for forever :3 But most likely it will go great ;)

I got a job! Didn't want to start the post with that but I did get one :P Just need to sign the contract, it's coming over in mail (I'd have to travel to the capital to sign it, no thanks, would be total of 45 euros back and forth with train). It's a kind of chat job that i'll be doing from home from my own computer (which KICKS ASS!), but I wont go into more details. If you're interested just ask me. I wont be telling my parents much of it either, since it has this... feature that they probably wouldn't like much *grins* Ah well, they dont have to know everything. As long as I'm getting payed. Had an 9 hours long shift today, did get quite bored during it :P But I managed to finish. Hopefully it'll start going great and I'll get faster at it :)

My ex broke up from his gf some days ago and he aint really feeling good tho he knows it's for the best this way. I feel sorry for him tho.. I think it's best this way too. She was a nice girl but in my opinion they didn't really "fit together". Anyhow, he texted me round 5.45 last night and we changed few messages (since I woke up tho he didn't mean to, couldn't just leave it unanswered) and I said that I'll come over wednesday evening. We both said that we're glad that we know eachothers since we're both great persons. I really love him as a friend alot so it makes me sad that we havent talked closely in a loooong while. Tho we've known for 4 years already! So I'm glad that now we're getting a bit closer again. We've both expressed our feelings of how important we are to eachothers and that's really nice. So anyhoo, gonna go over tomorrow and huggle him some support. It aint nice when he's feeling down. Gonna try to meet him next week too if he has time, maybe even more than once. This week we only have time for one meet up but next week I hope we can see atleast twice.

Got Fallout 3 today o/ Bf is playing it atm, I can probably start my game tomorrow either before we go shopping with dad, or after I get home from my ex. Can't wait for that either, tho I'm waiting more of meeting Paul, but that game just rocks I know it, so I want to play it ;) Maybe tomorrow!

What else.. My sis and her bf got an appartment, they already got the keys and all, changed some wallpapers last weekend (I didn't help, I was rehearsing working) and they're probably gonna move the upcoming friday. Kinda cool cause they'll be living a bit closer to us, I think, but further away from folks so that'll suck. Other option (if they didnt get this appartment) would've been moving quite far away from me and bf. Not nice :P so I'm kinda glad :) And it'll do good for my sis to get away from home, sad but true. It did good for me too. I love dad and all but.. the arguing at home, tho it's not anything serious, and him getting drunk all the time, it's not really nice to live around of.

We cleaned the whole appartment last week, bf got this cleaning rush on his blood and we had to clear all tables and throw out any unnecessary stuff etc. We also emptied our closet all the way and reorganized the stuff so that there's a path to the end wall where there is one cuboard on the wall. It looks really good now. Also changed the tyres to the car yesterday. Our appartment looks really nice, we got small candles on top of this huuuge cupboard, and I love burning them ^^ Should buy more nice candles.

Oh oh! Also went to the movies last saturday to see Saw 5. I totally loved it, as I've loved all of them! The traps were so fucking amazing again, so genious. And the way it ended, damn brilliant the assuming this one guy did. Again a good movie. Bf didn't like much tho, he's annoyed that they're making so many sequels "riding on the fame of the first movie, they should've ended it there" etc. I never think things like that so I'm able to just enjoy the movie. Also I really loved to see how it all started and other stuff that they've revealed in the later movies. I'm so 100% going to go see Saw 6 in the movies next year, and I'm gonna bribe bf to come with me. If he wont I'll ask my ex xD
Oh that movie was bf's bday present from my parents, he turned 22 last sunday :) His mom and bro visited saturday as well as my folks stopped by. I brought him breakfast in bed sunday, and he didn't even notice when I went to make it, he just woke to the smell of bacon being fryed :P It was a grand breakfast (tho unhealthy), bigger than he thought. Brought him orange juice, cold choco drink, two toasts with butter, many slices of bacon, one whole fried egg and some scrambled eggs, as well as this choco kiss and four pieces of chocolate. He was so happy. He kept hugging and kissing me alot, said that it was the best breakfast he's ever had (it was the first time he has got breakfast in bed). I'm going to make this a tradition ;)

Guess there's not much else to tell. After Paul has left (or while he's here, if I have time) I'll write a post of how it went ^^ until then, stay tuned for scenes from the next episode of "The Amazingly Boring Life of one Ferocious Kitten!". Annoyed the crap out of me when they kept saying that zillion times at the end of english dubbed Dragon Ball Z as i was watching it last summer.

So, waited 4 hours today morning in line to get tickets for Metallica concert that is next summer. First three hours we waited outside for the market to open, the last hour we just stood in line waiting for the selling to start. From 5 to 9 am. At around 9.10 am we had the tickets! So, we're going to see Metallica next summer ^^ Sweetness!
Was actually in a way quite fun waiting in line to get the tickets. It was surely worth it! Tho I aint really excited or anything while bf barely can wait for summer, I'm still waiting for the concert, I think it'll be great (we got sitting seats, THANK GOD!). If we would've gotten tickets for the middle field where you have to stand and people jump around and on top of you, pushing you around, I wouldn't have seen shit from there since I'm so short (158cm). So, I'm glad that we got tickets for actual seats.

While we were at the market bought Mölli this kitten dry food that is cheaper than most and yet quality food. Also bought these plastic boxes from the store next door that are meant for storing cat food. Bought two, one of Mölli and one for Heppu. Now we can keep their food in those boxes, it will stay fresh and wont smell in the appartment. Also they cant chew open the bags that the foods come in cause they wont be in those bags! A bit hard to chew on plastic dont you think? Hah!
Also they look so good. Got these small yellow scoops with the plastic boxes. (Didn't know what to call it but Chris saved me from the misery, love you <3). I placed the boxes at our kitchen entrance, they'll be handy there. Cant fit them in any cupboards so, they'll have to be in plain sight. I'm somehow extremely happy for getting those boxes :3 I'll add a picture of them here.

Just 12 days left and then Paul's trip starts. So it's just 18 days and he'll be here. EEK! I'm starting to get a bit nervous actually, but shhh, don't tell him that. I try to make it seem like I'm not nervous at all. We'll see how wrecked I am the day before he's actually here. I can't wait really but at the same time I'm nervous, mostly cause I'm unsure of my spoken english, tho I have heard it's good and that I dont have accent. But I get my tongue twisted sometimes when I talk so I end up going bllrrlbllrrblipblop.
Most likely those few days when Paul is here will go fine but I'm the type who worries in advance alot, and sometimes even after the situation is over.
Oh and Paul's hotel here is reserved so I can sigh in relief! A little less stress for me :P

I remember saying that as a plan for getting money we'd change our living information and stuff. Well that wouldn't really work out so unless I get a job in the next few weeks, I'm moving my address back home and then I'll get half of the maximum unemployment money. That's something atleast! In interviews I can just say that I can move to Tampere right away, that I got a place to stay but just couldn't afford it before or something.
I do have an interview tomorrow for this Help Desk job about computers, we'll see how it goes. It wouldn't be too bad. Also been applying as a christmas helper to markets. Shelving, being at the cash register, wrapping presents and such. Applied to the post office too, since they need extra people for chrstimas times since it'll be busy. If I dont get a job but I get a christmas helper job or that post office thing, I'll take it.

Friday the 10th of this month, we were going to go visit bf's mom and bro for the weekend with our cats after bf would get home from work. He had morning shift so he left around 5am. As I woke up around 9, I noticed that Mölli's eye looked a bit odd. That blink lid wouldn't go away from covering the eye and he kept it quite closed, also it was swollen under the lids. So I first called bf, then the vet, then mom, then the vet again to tell them that we're coming. Bf first told me that it's probably nothing and I shouldn't call vet cause we don't have enough money. I couldn't just leave it be cause the eye looked so bad, so I called the vet and told them, and they were kind enough to squeeze in an appointment for me in just few hours. So I called mom for financing. I knew the price about in advance so could tell it to mom on the phone and she promised to pay for it. At this point I was nearly crying. I called back the vet and checked the appointment time, then pretty much just waited. I cried everytime I saw Mölli cause I was worried.
When I got to the vet they put some colour thing on Mölli's eye and then looked at it with a light. First they said that there was nothing, but then they saw a scratch that was quite big also but not deep luckily. They gave me some antibiotic drops to drop in his eye. First three days I was to put one drop 4-5 times a day, then for seven days it was one drop 2-3 times a day. We went to bf's mom's for the weekend and I gave him the drops during those days and last week.
The antibiotics ended yesterday and Mölli's eye is fine now. He didn't much approve of dropping the drops but we got it done. The tricky part was catching him since he was suspecting that I'd give him the drops so he kept running away :3

That puzzle I mentioned I'd start doing in the last post, I already finished it. Only took me like few days, again. Haven't done a puzzle in a while cause I dont have any that I'd really like. I so want Lahaina Vision puzzle someday. It has 13 200 pieces. Here is a picture of it completed on someone's wall. I SO WANT THAT! It would be a real challenge but once it would be complete, oh dear. I would so put it on a wall! Want want want! Such a beautiful puzzle. I'll add another pic at the bottom.

Christmas is approaching and thought I could try making some of the christmas cards myself this year. I've always wanted to try that, and that they would be beautiful but I usually fail and haven't really even tried properly so. This year I'll give it a go. If you're someone whom I talk alot with on msn, and I don't yet have your name & address, send me an email with that information and I just might send you a christmas card ;>

Next post will probably be of Paul visiting and how it went, but we'll see if I'll write before that too.
PS. Sandman always makes me think of Emre cause his nick on msn is Sandman :3